Seeking myriad opinions, reading up the net, days of indecision
To deciphering the ambiguous advise of medicos
Making a choice to put you through the rigors of surgery
Or just letting you be in an indeterminate state
Was for me, a quagmire unparalleled
In a maze of bewilderment, I pushed you under the knife
To vacillate between life and death,
A stigmatic decision that I shall forever regret

Carrying a little glimmer of hope within, that
You perhaps may sail through the medical frailties
I kept lurking around the hospital ICU
Looking to sneak inside and be by your side
Sometimes running my fingers through your peppered hair
Urging you to be strong and defeat the ominous health odds
On other occasions, clasping your broad jaws between my palms
Wanting to know if you were in distress

But destiny dealt a ghastly blow for a second time
When a call beckoned, making me witness a horrid sight
Of your cubicle swarming with nursing staff and doctors
Making frantic efforts to resuscitate you and revive
While I stood at a distance, gazing at the heart rate monitor
Praying with folded hands, that the troughs and crests never blip
Running helter-skelter behind medics, as they trickled out
To enquire if your pulse was still ticking

Alas, all my bottled up fears came true
Leading up to the moment of reckoning
That I was perpetually petrified of facing
Leaving behind your vivid last memories
And an indelible vacuum to contend with
Your physical presence, I now can only visualize
My welled up eyes constantly conjure up images
Of you, moving around the house in flashes

The yearning that I discuss with you, daily routine stuff
Was always dismissed in a huff
Ours was a very unconventional relationship
That crossed the boundaries of reverence
With a gamut of inane arguments, nit-picking,
Use of choicest epithets and other bluster thrown in
Yet we managed to forgive and forget
As we had a profound connect

Your crumbled emotional state after Mummy’s demise
And a vacuous existence, in hindsight, I completely identify with
Perhaps you looked up to me, rightly so, as you loved me to the core
To alleviate the irrevocable loss, with a bit of warmth
Knowing you would get edgy and vulnerable at the drop of a hat
I always held myself back a tad bit and stayed aloof
Having never been overt, in expressing my emotions
I now live to remember you with this biggest remorse.

Your gaze through the picture on the wall
Seem to constantly probe my actions hurly burly
As if trying to elicit an explanation for having
Consigned you to the grave so early
Soon in admiration of suave chiselled face and
Enormous grace you personified, I swoon
To acknowledge the unconditional love, warmth
You showered upon me, as a matchless boon

I forever want to bask
In the comfort of your tutelage, sublime
Let not the embers of sorrow douse
With the passage of time
Anchor of my existence, whom do I draw strength from?
Now that you rest in peace
A recurrent trail of memories I shall cling onto
And never let them cease.

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