A Decision Gone Wrong

Seeking myriad opinions, reading up the net, days of indecision

To deciphering the ambiguous advise of medicos

Making a choice to put you through the rigors of surgery

Or just letting you be in an indeterminate state

Was for me, a quagmire unparalleled

In a maze of bewilderment, I pushed you under the knife

To vacillate between life and death,

A stigmatic decision that I shall forever regret

 

Carrying a little glimmer of hope within, that

You perhaps may sail through the medical frailties

I kept lurking around the hospital ICU

Looking to sneak inside and be by your side

Sometimes running my fingers through your peppered hair

Urging you to be strong and defeat the ominous health odds

On other occasions, clasping your broad jaws between my palms

Wanting to know if you were in distress

 

But destiny dealt a ghastly blow for a second time

When a call beckoned, making me witness a horrid sight

Of your cubicle swarming with nursing staff and doctors

Making frantic efforts to resuscitate you and revive

While I stood at a distance, gazing at the heart rate monitor

 Praying with folded hands, that the troughs and crests never blip

Running helter-skelter behind medics, as they trickled out

To enquire if your pulse was still ticking

 

Alas, all my bottled up fears came true

Leading up to the moment of reckoning

That I was perpetually petrified of facing

Leaving behind your vivid last memories

And an indelible vacuum to contend with

Your physical presence, I now can only visualize

My welled up eyes constantly conjure up images

Of you, moving around the house in flashes

 

The yearning that I discuss with you, daily routine stuff

Was always dismissed in a huff

Ours was a very unconventional relationship

That crossed the boundaries of reverence

With a gamut of inane arguments, nit-picking,

Use of choicest epithets and other bluster thrown in

Yet we managed to forgive and forget

As we had a profound connect

 

Your crumbled emotional state after Mummy’s demise

And a vacuous existence, in hindsight, I completely identify with

Perhaps you looked up to me, rightly so, as you loved me to the core

To alleviate the irrevocable loss, with a bit of warmth

Knowing you would get edgy and vulnerable at the drop of a hat

I always held myself back a tad bit and stayed aloof

Having never been overt, in expressing my emotions

I now live to remember you with this biggest remorse.

 

Your gaze through the picture on the wall

Seem to constantly probe my actions hurly burly

As if trying to elicit an explanation for having

Consigned you to the grave so early

Soon in admiration of suave chiselled face and

Enormous grace you personified, I swoon

To acknowledge the unconditional love, warmth

You showered upon me, as a matchless boon

 

I forever want to bask

In the comfort of your tutelage, sublime

Let not the embers of sorrow douse

With the passage of time

Anchor of my existence, whom do I draw strength from?

Now that you rest in peace

A recurrent trail of memories I shall cling onto

And never let them cease.

 

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